Facts About Goats I Learned from Goat Simulator

Simulators are strange. That they stand at the crossroads between games and educational tools isn’t weird in itself, many games do that. What is odd about so many simulators is that they occupy this particular mental space by choice.

A screen-capture from Framing Simulator 2014 by GIANTS software. Inset: Screencaptures from Dovetail Games' Train Simulator 2015 and Microsoft Flight Simulator X.

A screen-capture from Farming Simulator 2014 by GIANTS software. Inset: Screencaptures from Dovetail Games’ Train Simulator 2015 and Microsoft Flight Simulator X.

Whilst a simulator can be used as a training tool when used with a well-designed set of exercises, it can also allow people to experiment and explore situations without consequences when users simply play around with it.

In the recent Steam Summer sale, I was intrigued that Goat Simulator by Coffee Stain Studios was available for a trifling £1.74, so I laid down my money and decided to learn what I could about goats, and about Coffee Stain’s native country of Sweden, from this fascinating piece of software. This post might get a little bit outré, so don’t read on if you’re easily disturbed.

Facts about Goats

Goat Fact #1: Goats are typically not afraid of the dark.

This posts is likely to get a whole lot darker.

See, this goat is entirely unafraid to be under a shadowy archway.

Goat Fact #2: Goats have extremely long and flexible tongues.

I wonder how that barrel tastes.

Look how long, flexible and prehensile my tongue is, ladies.

Goat Fact #3:Goats can be trained to jump on a trampoline.

Seriously, this is not easy.

This is a difficult skill to master as a human, with only two feet of which to keep track. Imagine how much harder it must be for a goat.

Goat Fact #4: Some goats enjoy computer games.

A trend I didn't, and will probably never, understand: Flappy Bird & it's imitators.

This goat’s other favourite is a tenuously-goat-themed knock-off of Bejewelled.

Goat Fact #5: Goats are very strong animals for their size, and when they feel threatened they will kick, and head-butt, with surprising force.

Sucks to be him.

If you’ve ever been knocked through a window by a wheelie-bin that was launched at you by a head-butt, then you’ll know how that man in black feels.

Facts about Sweden

Sweden Fact #1: Sausages are a cause of popular controversy in Sweden, and public demonstrations of opinion can sometimes even turn violent. The likelihood of violence depends on the proximity to a goat.

What a bunch of morons, they haven't even realized their ringleader is a goat.

They also object to bananas and cucumbers.

Sweden Fact #2: 50% of the women in Sweden are named Line, the other 50% are called Marie. You can easily tell a Marie from a Line by the colour of her blouse.

/liː-nɑː/, not /laɪn/

Left: Line Right: Marie

Sweden Fact #3: Some people in the Swedish rave scene are on so many drugs that you can swap their DJ for a goat and they won’t notice.

Thanks to disco lighting, it's much harder to guess the girls' names. You still have 50% chance.

Furthermore, half of these women are named Line.

Some of the drugs consumed at Swedish raves can lead to the hallucination of seeing oneself riding a goat, whilst possessing extremely long and spaghetti-like limbs.

Drugs're bad, mmmkay?

Line here has clearly taken too many drugs at the last rave she went to. FSM fans, please take note of the noodly appendages.

Sweden Fact #4: Swedish people are terrible swimmers. This fact may be connected to the drug intakes at Swedish raves.

The guy in the green shell-suit might already be dead. It's hard to tell when you're dealing with people who wear shell-suits in 2015.

That face-down guy wearing red isn’t even trying. Maybe he wants to drown to get away from the goat.

Sweden Fact #5: Sometimes, gravity anomalies occur in Sweden, causing objects to hover in the sky for several minutes before falling.

I prefer to imagine it's the gravity anomalies.

Sometimes, gravity anomalies occur in Sweden. Either that, or Goat Simulator has a few bugs in it.

Sweden Fact #6: There are crop circles in Sweden.

I was born underwater, I dried out in the sun / I started humping volcanos, baby, when I was too young.

Instead of dragging your swamp for your lost love /
Come to me I’m your living crop circle…yeah

Facts about Crop Circles

Crop Circle Fact #1: Alien spaceships are attracted to crop circles, and have been known to abduct goats.

This is where it gets really weird.

If Whitney Streiber was a goat.

Facts about Goats

Goat Fact #6: Goats can survive the hard vacuum of space.

See?

In space, no-one can hear you bleat.

Goat Fact #7: Goats who worship Satan must drag 5 sacrificial victims to their local glowing pentagram to receive his dark blessing.

Black Metal ist krieg!

Add an unreadable spiky logo in the corner, and you’ve got cover art for an embarrassingly large chunk of my CD collection.

Goats For The Goat Throne!

Oh dear, that can’t be good.

Facts About Diabolic Goats

Diabolic Goat Fact #666a: They can fly; therefore there is no escape.

Evil! Hell! Satan! Goat! Cheese! Pickles! Onions! On a Sesame Seed Bun!

This is totally meant to happen, it’s not a bug, honest.

Diabolic Goat Fact #666b: The goats will show humans no mercy, smashing us through the windows, and sometimes through the walls of our homes.

Every single bone in Line's body must be broken in at least 2 places.

When the end times come, we will mourn the absence of the collision detection.

Diabolic Goat Fact #666c: Diabolic goats don’t play Flappy Goat like regular goats: they prefer Katamari Damacy.

Goat Simulator is pretty trippy, but it's got nothing on Katamari Damacy

Na naaa na na na na na na na Katamari Damashi! What’s up with the goat’s tongue?

Diabolic Goat Fact #666d: All sorts of mad things can and will happen when a goat gains more than one special power at once – usually because the powers interact in unpredictable and buggy ways.

I'm not even sure how the goat got on fire, or why it's so unconcerned with the burning.

Clockwise from top left: A goat with a skull face and half a dozen horns; a goat head-butts a mutant creature in the sewers; some people are randomly thrown into the sky, there to dance for a goat’s amusement; a goat flies gracelessly through the air, on fire.

Facts About Concluding This Blog Post

To sum up, Goat Simulator might not be an entirely serious simulation of caprine ungulate life. It might, in fact, be something that some game developers did for a laugh, and sold on Steam for small change, having left it riddled with…

“MILLIONS OF BUGS! We’re only eliminating the crash-bugs, everything else is hilarious and we’re keeping it ”

– (Steam Store Page for Goat Simulator)

… which probably sums up much of the point of Goat Simulator. I’ve had about 5 hours of entertainment out of it, which is pretty good for £1.74.

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5 thoughts on “Facts About Goats I Learned from Goat Simulator

  1. I laughed out loud when I read the title. Goats man, they’re pretty normal y’know? I loved Goat Simulator, but honestly, I want Turkey Simulator. Someone get on that!

    Great post 🙂

    Like

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