Simulators are strange. That they stand at the crossroads between games and educational tools isn’t weird in itself, many games do that. What is odd about so many simulators is that they occupy this particular mental space by choice.
Whilst a simulator can be used as a training tool when used with a well-designed set of exercises, it can also allow people to experiment and explore situations without consequences when users simply play around with it.
In the recent Steam Summer sale, I was intrigued that Goat Simulator by Coffee Stain Studios was available for a trifling £1.74, so I laid down my money and decided to learn what I could about goats, and about Coffee Stain’s native country of Sweden, from this fascinating piece of software. This post might get a little bit outré, so don’t read on if you’re easily disturbed.
Facts about Goats
Goat Fact #1: Goats are typically not afraid of the dark.
Goat Fact #2: Goats have extremely long and flexible tongues.
Goat Fact #3:Goats can be trained to jump on a trampoline.
Goat Fact #4: Some goats enjoy computer games.
Goat Fact #5: Goats are very strong animals for their size, and when they feel threatened they will kick, and head-butt, with surprising force.
Facts about Sweden
Sweden Fact #1: Sausages are a cause of popular controversy in Sweden, and public demonstrations of opinion can sometimes even turn violent. The likelihood of violence depends on the proximity to a goat.
Sweden Fact #2: 50% of the women in Sweden are named Line, the other 50% are called Marie. You can easily tell a Marie from a Line by the colour of her blouse.
Sweden Fact #3: Some people in the Swedish rave scene are on so many drugs that you can swap their DJ for a goat and they won’t notice.
Some of the drugs consumed at Swedish raves can lead to the hallucination of seeing oneself riding a goat, whilst possessing extremely long and spaghetti-like limbs.
Sweden Fact #4: Swedish people are terrible swimmers. This fact may be connected to the drug intakes at Swedish raves.
Sweden Fact #5: Sometimes, gravity anomalies occur in Sweden, causing objects to hover in the sky for several minutes before falling.
Sweden Fact #6: There are crop circles in Sweden.
Facts about Crop Circles
Crop Circle Fact #1: Alien spaceships are attracted to crop circles, and have been known to abduct goats.
Facts about Goats
Goat Fact #6: Goats can survive the hard vacuum of space.
Goat Fact #7: Goats who worship Satan must drag 5 sacrificial victims to their local glowing pentagram to receive his dark blessing.
Facts About Diabolic Goats
Diabolic Goat Fact #666a: They can fly; therefore there is no escape.
Diabolic Goat Fact #666b: The goats will show humans no mercy, smashing us through the windows, and sometimes through the walls of our homes.
Diabolic Goat Fact #666c: Diabolic goats don’t play Flappy Goat like regular goats: they prefer Katamari Damacy.
Diabolic Goat Fact #666d: All sorts of mad things can and will happen when a goat gains more than one special power at once – usually because the powers interact in unpredictable and buggy ways.
Facts About Concluding This Blog Post
To sum up, Goat Simulator might not be an entirely serious simulation of caprine ungulate life. It might, in fact, be something that some game developers did for a laugh, and sold on Steam for small change, having left it riddled with…
“MILLIONS OF BUGS! We’re only eliminating the crash-bugs, everything else is hilarious and we’re keeping it ”
… which probably sums up much of the point of Goat Simulator. I’ve had about 5 hours of entertainment out of it, which is pretty good for £1.74.